Monday, December 05, 2005

Last of the Autumn photos.. Hello winter!

 
 Posted by Picasa

 
 Posted by Picasa

 


Marvin Posted by Picasa

 
 Posted by Picasa

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Beware: this post is a ramble.

OK, so ive been pretty vague lately. Im not sure what my problem is and I probably shouldnt be discussing it here because it mostly likely that no one cares, but hey, this is MY space and i can ramble if I want!

I think the hardest thing about being done with college is not the finding a job, its not missing the college life, its defintely moving back home. I mean, im still a fairly cluttered, unorganized person, but in my dorm room it was MY mess and I knew where everything was. In my house, I have everyone else's stuff to contend with and I feel like not only my personal space is crowded but every other space as well. For instance, I paint. I was working on a painting- on the floor, because i dont have a desk- in the tv room. the floor was the most convenient spot i could find without unhooking the computer and dragging it around the house as i was working off a photo. And on top the pitiful lighting, the itchy carpet i was lying on, and not being able to find a single container in the kitchen that turpentine would not melt or my mother would not kill me for using, my brother came home and lectured me about making "his" computer room smell of paint and turps. I cant wait to have a place of my own.

Then there is the problem where, as you may know, i am waiting for something to happen with Luke. At least now I have a time frame to look at, but it seems that as of now I will be going to England for a few months and not work, after which I will come back here and find somthing permanant. Well, that sounds good in theory. But have you ever had so much to do that you end up doing nothing at all? I mean, i have paintings to do, rooms to redecorate for my mom, guitar and violin to practice, christmas cards to write, a gift for a friend sitting on my desk that i keep forgetting to mail, and various other chores that need doing, and yet i still sit here, day after day, managing not to do any of it. I am useless. And I am bored, although I have no right to be. I feel like my life is so far out of my control right now that I am just going with the flow, waiting for something to happen, and waiting for some kind of sign that this is where I am supposed to be. And I have yet to recognize it. I can get on with my days knowing the time will come, but when I actually stop and think about it, I am so lost. I wonder about the kind of person I am and who I will become, and whether or not I am doing the right thing. Half of the stuff that comes out of my mouth I regret having said, and the people who will actually listen to me i cant think of anything to say to. Am I grown up? is this who I am? where is the line drawn between when you stop developing into yourself? is there a line? Im definitely in one of those "what is the point" moods where I am feeling 70 different emotions at once and wondering what any of them have to do with anything.
To name a few:

nostalgic
lonely
worried
impatient
guilty
lazy
anxious
cornered
uncertain
confused
annoyed
annoying
ungrateful
confined
rushed
restrained
self-concious
demanding
bored
poor

and from there I am going in circles from one feeling to the next and it seems that one causes the other. Its almost like an emotional chain reaction.

Now im sure this post is a result of it being 1a.m. and elevated hormone levels, but as i said, I dont feel like this daily, just when i stop and think about it. So, does that mean i should try not to think about it or try and deal with it? Who knows. I probably sound all kinds of crazy right now so im going to shut up. All i know is that something is missing in my life lately, and i need to find out what it is, because the day to day stuff doesnt seem to matter when something bigger and scarier is hanging over my head.

Silktide SiteScore for this website